Hot Sex! Hot Sex!
by Hamondai
Summary: Sasuke's gay, Naruto's a pervert, Sakura 'looks like a man', and Kakashi watches soap operas. What happens when they go on an adventure aboard the high seas? Oh you'll see. yaoi, language, and humorous stupidity.
1. Vacation!

_Disclaimer: You know the deal. As much as I wish I did, I do not own Naruto. I'm just an avid fan with too much time on her hands. With that said, here's chapter one of my fanfic..._

A Pirate's Life For Me

A bright, sun shiny day with cell 7. A boring day. Sitting around, doing nothing (no, picking noses,nails,orbutts does not count as doing something).

Naruto: I'M BORED! THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING FOR US TO DO!

Sakura: Naruto…

Naruto: I MEAN, C'MON! WE'RE HIGH CLASS NINJA! HOW CAN THERE BE NOTHING FOR US TO DO?

Kakashi: High-class ninja? You? Keep dreaming Naruto.

Naruto: I MEAN C'MON!

Sakura: NARUTO SHUT UP!

Naruto: But Sakura-

Sakura: NO! JUST SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!

Sasuke: You're wasting your breath. As if he could possibly get the point.

Naruto: I get the point. Some village nearby is missing their idiot. And I'm looking right at him.

Kakashi: -without looking up from his book- Now Naruto, thatheadband isn't for you to use as a mirror. -turns page smiling-

Naruto: what?

Sasuke: I told you he'd never figure it out.

Naruto: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU…. YOU…

Sasuke: What's wrong?Cat got your tongue?

Naruto: -glaring at Sasuke- You………

Sasuke: I'm sorry, Naruto.

Naruto: What? You're… sorry?

Sasuke: Yes. That was shameful of me and I admit it. I should've spoken slower.

Naruto: What?

Sasuke: Cat… got… your… tongue?

Naruto: BASTARD! -lunges at Sasuke and knocks him to the ground-

Sakura: NARUTO! GET OFF OF HIM! IF YOU HURT SASUKE I WILL KILL YOU!

Inner Sakura: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! YEAH! BLOODSHED! YEAH! KICK HIS ASS!

Sakura: NARUTO-

Kakashi: Leave them.

Sakura: What?

Kakashi: $20 says Naruto wins

Sakura: WHAT!

Kakashi: Oh no, don't tell me Naruto's turned you stupid.

Sakura: No, I mean how can you encourage this? They're on the floor fighting. AND YOU'RE BETTING $20 that NARUTO will win! $50 and tonight's dinner says Sasuke wipes the floor with Naruto.

Kakashi: hmm where's the most expensive place to eat…?

Sakura: You're so full of yourself. How can you be so sure that Naruto's gonna win?

Kakashi: Because if it was me, I'dfight dirty.

Sakura: But that's cheating!

Kakashi: It's only cheating if they say beforehand that it's not allowed. -leaning in towards the fight pretending to hear something- WHAT WAS THAT SASUKE? YOU THINK YOU WOULD MAKE A BETTER HOKAGE THAN NARUTO?

Sakura: I can't believe you're doing this? WHAT? SASUKE'S A PANSY ASS? SASUKE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET HIM TALK ABOUT YOU LIKE THAT ARE YOU! KICK HIS ASS!

Kakashi: I hate to admit it but I guess I should be breaking them up right about now. They're becoming less and less amusing then before.

-Kakashi steps toward where Naruto and Sasuke are fighting-

Kakashi: Ok children, you've had your fun. It's enough-

-Amidst all the fighting, Naruto went to swing at Sasuke, who dodged it in the nick of time but fell backwards onto the floor, tripping up Naruto at the same time. Naruto falls on top of Sasuke and they end up kissing-

Kakashi: -scratches head- My, my, my. Never a dull moment with you two around.

Sakura: -jaw to the floor- NA-RU-TO!

Naruto: -propped up above Sasuke's body by his elbows and feet- . . . . . . .

Sasuke: -lying helplessly on the floor looking up at Naruto wide-eyed- . . . . . . .

Kakashi: -breaking the silence- I do believe -pushes Sakura's jaw back up to her mouth with his finger- that it is time we go on a little vacation. What do you think?

Naruto: -rolls over and sits against a nearby tree- . . . . ..

Sakura: -eyes still bulging out of their sockets- . . . . ..

Sasuke: -gets up and leans against a tree near Kakashi- . . . . . . .

Kakashi: Then it's settled. Sailing it is.

-Kakashi starts to walk off out of the clearing, dragging a still shocked Sakura, leaving Sasuke and Naruto behind.-

Sasuke: -glances at Naruto then quickly glances at the floor-. . . . . .

Naruto: Is that all you got?

Sasuke: -looking up surprised- What?

Naruto: Because if it is, once those girls find out, they'll never want to go out with you ever.

Sasuke: -raising an eyebrow at Naruto- Excuse me?

Naruto: -getting up from his position against the tree and walking to within a inch of Sasuke's face, he whispers- Weaker than weak sauce.

Sasuke: WHAT?

Naruto: -walking away- Damn fairy.

Sasuke: -starting to walk after him- What are you talking about? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT KISSED ME!

Naruto: -without even looking back, waves him off- Whatever Sasuke. Just keep telling yourself that. Maybe, eventually, the world will stop thinking you're a flaming homo and believe you, but until then, we have got to stop meeting this way.

Sasuke: NARUTO!

Naruto: -starts running after Kakashi and Sakura- oh shit! HELP! RAPE! RAPE! SEXUAL HARASSMENT!

Sasuke: NARUTO! YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOU WERE DEAD ONCE I GET THROUGH WITH YOU!

Naruto: -passes by Kakashi with Sasuke hot on his heels- AHH! MICHAEL JACKSON'S TRYING TO MOLEST ME! I'M JUST AN INNOCENT CHILD!

Sasuke: -right behind Naruto- You? Innocent? Don't make me laugh. You're anything but.

Naruto: Maybe in your dreams. HEY SAKURA! SASUKE'S A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL!

Sasuke: -tackling Naruto, he straddles him- Prove it!

Naruto: Is that an invitation?

Kakashi: -stopped a few feet away from Sasuke and Naruto, turns to look at Sakura who eyes are practically popping out of her skull and her jaw has once again hit the floor- I feel as if I'm watching an episode of General Hospital or One Life to Live. All my Children!

Sakura: -turning to look at Kakashi disbelieving- You watch soap operas?

Kakashi: Why so surprised? Now a days, TV's gone to shit. With allthat damn OC bullshit and Real World, there's nothing good on.

Sakura: Maybeyou just need to watch on a different day. Trust me, if you've ever seen an episode of Lost, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Kakashi: Believe me, I know. Every Wednesday at 9pm. Obsessee, right here.

Sakura: I KNOW! OMG Sawyer is so hot!

Kakashi: -pretending to be a giddy little schoolgirl- Omg, like, I know! Like, when he pulled that bullet out of his, like, shoulder, I almost, like drowned myself in like, my own drool. Like, OMG!

Sakura: -staring disbelievingly at Kakashi- ooooookk

Kakashi: Hahaha. Let's get going. HEY YOU HOMOS! LET'S GO! THE SEA AWAITS!

Sasuke and Naruto: -glaring at Kakashi and pointing at each other accusingly- HE'S THE HOMO! -turn and glare at each other- GRRRR….

Kakashi: Fine then, suit yourselves. You two can stay here and make out all you want but Sakura and I are going sailing.

-Kakashi and Sakura start walking towards the pier.-

Naruto: -shoving Sasuke over and scrambling up after Sakura- DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THE FAIRY! SAKURA! WAIT UP!


	2. Keep your hands off the merchandise!

Note from Author: **FUBAR**… **F**ucked **U**p **B**eyond **A**ll **R**ecognition

Another note from author: _Italics_ mean thoughts

Part 2

Kakashi: -standing in front of boat facing cell 7- Let me make one thing clear: I am the captain and I steer the ship. DO NOT TOUCH! –looks around- Where is Naruto? –looks back at ship-

Naruto: -pulling on sail- Wow! –pretends to steer ship- I called Captain!

Kakashi: NARUTO! What did I just say? Were you even listening?

Naruto: What did you say? I wasn't listening. Wow, this ship is so cool.

Kakashi: _I'm starting to think that this was a bad idea. We better get on board before Naruto breaks something._

-There is the sound of breaking glass and they all turn to face the boat to see Naruto holding half of a broken bottle of sake-

Naruto: I CHRISTEN THIS SHIP…FUBAR! All for you Sasuke, all for you! It's just so sad what happened to your face. Oh wait, it's always been that way. Never mind!

Kakashi: Naruto…

Sasuke: You'll be the one that's fubar once I'm done with you.

Kakashi: -sigh- _Here we go again. What was I thinking when I planned this in the first place?_

Sakura: Naruto, you jerk!

Kakashi: _That idiot broke my last sake bottle. All to waste… How will I survive this now?_

-Naruto and Sasuke continue to run around the ship, Sasuke chasing Naruto. Finally Sakura starts yelling and chasing after Naruto too-

Kakashi: -annoyed- ENOUGH! –everyone stops mid action. Naruto's copping a feel on Sakura's ass, Sasuke's about to punch Naruto in the face, and Sakura is hugging Sasuke's waist- 1) The ship is already called the Filthy Whore. She means a lot to me so don't ruin her or else. 2) Either you three calm down and behave or you will stay here by yourselves. What will it be?

Naruto: I'll behave. Believe it!

Sakura: -through grinding teeth- NA-RU-TO, get your hand off of my ass! –she slaps him-

Sasuke: Sakura, get off of me –pushes her off of him-

Naruto: Wow Sakura. That feels nice. And here I thought you hated me.

Sakura: What are you talking about? I'm nowhere near you.

Naruto: What? You mean it's not you?

Sakura: No, Naruto, I'm not touching you.

Naruto…Sasuke, you pervert! Quit touching me!

Sasuke: As much as you probably wish it were I, it's not.

Naruto:………Kakashi?

Kakashi: -fixing everything on board that Naruto messed up- What?

Naruto: If it's not you guys then who is…

-Everyone turns and looks behind Naruto to find…. -

Michael: Hey children. Lovely day, isn't it? HEE HEE! How would you like to go to a carnival at my house? You can stay for lunch, CH'MON! Do you want some…milk? HEE HEE!

Naruto: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

-All three run onto the boat which Kakashi had already set up and set sail-

Sakura: wow. Michael Jackson. Why'd you guys run?

Sasuke: … -glares at Sakura like she's an idiot-

Naruto: Can't blame you I guess. You are a girl after all.

Sasuke: Yeah but she looks like a man.

Sakura: what?

Naruto: Well then I guess that's good news for Sakura seeing as you're a faggot.

Sasuke: You know, your incessant name-calling will only earn you a bloody nose.

Naruto: Then take back the comment you made about Sakura!

Sasuke: Why should I lie about the truth?

Naruto: TAKE IT BACK OR I'LL THROW YOU OVERBOARD!

Sasuke: Then do it!

Naruto: …

Sasuke: You lack the power of your convictions, sir.

Naruto: No, I just don't want to get any of your "homo germs" on my clean clothes.

Kakashi: ENOUGH! Sakura, come over here by the wheel. I'm going to teach you a few things. Naruto, you stay in the front of the ship and Sasuke, you go up to the crow's nest and keep an eye out.

-Sasuke climbs up the mast to the crow's nest-

Naruto: -walks over to railing and looks around. Looks up and see Sasuke climbing- _Damn, how does he do it? I'd be scared shitless. _

Sasuke: -almost at the top- _I'm scared shitless right now. H e just had to pick me for the crow's nest._ –sigh- _Hey…I can see down Sakura's shirt from here. Why does that not amuse me? Oh yeah. I'm not a dirty pervert like Naruto. Hmmmm Naruto… that idiot._ –reaches crow's nest and sits back, spotting Naruto- _Naruto…_ -holds up thumb and forefinger in front of Naruto, squinting one eye.- _I'm squishing your head._

Naruto: -sigh- I'm so bored… -sits down and puts legs out past railing- Where's the excitement? –looks down at water- MERMAIDS!

Kakashi: -hears Naruto shouting- _Great, now what?_

Naruto: MERMAIDS! THERE'RE MERMAIDS IN THE WATER!

Kakashi: Of course they're in the water. If they weren't, they'd suffocate.

Naruto: Hey I think she wants me to go to her. –starts climbing over rail only to be yanked back by Kakashi-

Kakashi: Of course she does. But so do those sharks over there but you don't see me leaping over the railing for them now do you?

Naruto: But-but…

Kakashi: C'mon Naruto. I've got something else for you to do.

Naruto: Really? What? _Oh Wow, it's probably something really exciting. Pirates of the High Seas! He'll probably want me to be his first mate_

Kakashi: Naruto…

Naruto: I'LL DO IT!

Kakashi: Good! –hands him mop and bucket- Start swabbing my poopdeck.

Naruto: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF TEACHER ARE YOU? TELLING POOR LITTLE CHILDREN TO WIPE YOUR ASS FOR YOU. WHY, YOU MAKE ME SICK!

Kakashi: Hahaha I meant the ship's deck. Now get to work.

Naruto: Work? But I thought you wanted me to be your first mate!

Kakashi: First mate? Hahaha no… you're cabin boy.

Naruto: Cabin boy?

Kakashi: -starting to walk away- You should be happy. Cabin boys get all the good sex.

Naruto: What?

Sasuke: IDIOT-HO!

Naruto: WHERE? –looks around-

Sasuke: I'M LOOKING AT HIM!

Naruto: REALLY? SO YOU CAN SEE YOUR REFLECTION ON THE WATER FROM THERE?

Kakashi: HEY SASUKE. STAND UP STRAIGHT.

Sasuke: WHY?

Kakashi: I'M GOING TO USE YOU AS A SUN DIAL.

-Sasuke glares at Kakashi with one of those "He can't be serious" expressions-

Kakashi: Ok, once I say go, I want you to count to 60 and then move your left arm slightly. Keep doing that until I say stop.

Sasuke: I am not going to be your clock!

Kakashi: You will if you plan on eating tonight.

Sasuke: -sigh. Puts arms in the air and starts counting to 60-

-Time passes until Sasuke's arms get stiff and stay at 3:25-

Kakashi: -peering up- I think our clock stopped. Naruto, go up there and fix it.

Naruto: What! Why me?

Kakashi: Because if you happen to fall, you'll only be doing me a favor. Now go!

-Naruto, grumbling to himself as he begins to climb up the main mast on his way to the crow's nest- _Why's it gotta be me? Of all people, ME! Stupid Sasuke. He just had to go and get himself stuck…Hey, I can see down Sakura's shirt from here._

Sakura: Why'd Naruto stop? Wait, why's he staring over here?

Kakashi: I think he can see down your shirt.

Sakura: WHAT! –wraps arms around herself-

Kakashi: Don't be ashamed of it. You should be happy he wants to stare at you. Men like confidence in women. If you have it, flaunt it.

Sakura: Are you sure?

Kakashi: Trust me. I've been w/ plenty of women to know.

Sakura: Really? To be honest, we all sort of thought you were gay.

Kakashi: what? Why would you think that?

Sakura: Well we never see you with girls. You're always reading that book of yours.

Kakashi: That's why? I mean, do I come off as gay?

Sakura: I don't know. I mean, if so many girls love you, then how come you're not with any of them?

Kakashi: Because love complicates the mission. See how I TELL NARUTO TO CHECK ON SASUKE AND INSTEAD HE STOPS AND STARES AT YOUR CHESTGETBACKTOWORK!

-Naruto jumps w/ a start at hearing he's been found out then begins to climb back up towards Sasuke-

Kakashi: I guess in a way, you can also say that Sasuke thinks the same way.

Sakura: …Sasuke. So, you're saying that he really isn't a homo, he's just-

Kakashi: No, he's a homo. I'm pretty sure of that.

Sakura: But you said he was a lot like you.

Kakashi: No, I said he thinks the same way. I put off women for the sake of the mission and to get away from the drama. Sasuke swore off women too. I didn't say anything about him swearing off men.

Sakura: You can't be serious. Sasuke would never be a homosexual. Never-

Naruto: -yelling from above- HEY! KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF BUDDY!

Kakashi: Told you.

-5 minutes ago. Naruto's still climbing.-

Naruto: _I can see down Sakura's shirt from here._

Kakashi: I TELL NARUTO TO CHECK ON SASUKE AND INSTEAD HE STOPS AND STARES AT YOUR CHESTGETBACKTOWORK!

Naruto: shit! –starts climbing and finally reaches the top- Hey scarecrow, how you doin?

Sasuke: ……my arms hurt.

Naruto: well, what do you want ME to do about it?

Sasuke: How about a full body rub down?

Naruto: Whoa Buddy! There is no way I'm giving you a full body rub down.

Sasuke: I meant I'll give you one.

-Sasuke's hand swings down and cups Naruto's crotch unexpectedly-

Naruto: HEY! KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!

Sasuke: -leaning in closer to Naruto's face, hand still on crotch- make me.

Naruto: get off! –shoves Sasuke away, accidentally pushing him over the railing of the crow's nest- Sasuke!

-Down below-

Naruto: SASUKE!

Kakashi: Those idiots!

Sakura: SASUKE!

Kakashi: Sakura take the wheel! –takes off to help Sasuke-

-Above-

Naruto: SASUKE! _Shit! I gotta save him!….Here goes nothing._

-Naruto dives off the railing at high speed and hooks an arm around Sasuke's waist just before they plummet into the water-

Kakashi: -rushes to the railing- Naruto! Are you ok?

Naruto: Yeah. Just a little-

Kakashi: ARE YOU INSANE?

Sakura: -seeing Naruto's about to answer- Don't answer that.

Kakashi: HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN'T HIT THE WATER?

Sakura: Don't answer that either.

Naruto: Kakashi-sensei, chill. We're fine.

Kakashi: Oh really? Then how come Sasuke's still unconscious?

Naruto: -lays Sasuke down- He's not breathing. Sakura, give him mouth-to-mouth!

Sakura: me? O-o-ok….

Kakashi: No. This is your doing. You do it.

Naruto: Me? But I-

Kakashi: Sasuke's dying. Sometime today.

Naruto: Here goes nothing… _Well his lips do look really soft. Hell he looks almost angelic lying there wet. What I wouldn't give to get him alone in a tub full of pudding right now_

-Naruto leans in to administer mouth to mouth, locking lips w/ Sasuke. Suddenly, he feels a hand sneak up and touch his ass as a tongue enters his mouth-

Naruto: -pulls away fast- YOU PERVERT!

Kakashi: Hahaha

Naruto: -runs to the railing and starts throwing up over it- blech…so much for my noodles…


	3. Slippery When Wet

Hot Sex! Hot Sex!

Part 3: Slippery When Wet

-The sun is setting over the horizon now. Naruto is leaning against the railing watching the sun-

Naruto: -singing in funny voice- Make way for Prince Ali…

Sasuke: -coming up beside him- What are you doing?

Naruto: I'm imitating a foghorn. BO – RING.

Sasuke: -mocking Naruto- LAME-ASS.

Naruto: -still acting like a foghorn- BLOW – ME.

Sasuke: Don't mind if I do… -leans in closer to Naruto-

Naruto: Hey, easy big guy. I was just kidding.

Sasuke: That's too bad…because I wasn't.

Naruto: What you talking bout Willis?

Sasuke: My offer stands. –walks off in Kakashi's direction-

Naruto: _What'd he mean by that?_ Hey, SASUKEEEE-! –suddenly falls through a hole in the ship and hits the water- I'M DROWNING!

Kakashi: MY SHIP!

Naruto: HELP!

Sakura: Naruto, take my hand!

Kakashi: -in a high pitched voice- We'll make it I swear –Sasuke joins in playing air guitar- Whoa-OH! Livin on a prayer!

Sakura: -has Naruto's arms and is trying to pull him up but they come to a standstill and stare at Kakashi and Sasuke- Are you serious?

Kakashi: What?

Sakura: Bon Jovi?

Kakashi: Yeah. And?

Sakura: Why were you singing Bon Jovi?

Kakashi: What's wrong with Bon Jovi? Fine, how about a little Flock of Seagulls? –in high pitched voice- And I ran, I ran so far away. –Sasuke joins in- I just ran, I ran all night and day, couldn't get away.

Naruto: …wow. Did you know they could sing? I WANT TO SING TOO!

Sakura: -trying to pull Naruto up- Naruto stop being a pain in the ass and let me pull you up. –Sakura finally heaves Naruto out of the hole. He's ends up landing on top of her-

Naruto: Hey there beautiful.

Sakura: …Naruto, you're squishing me.

Naruto: sorry babe. –rolls over, gets up and pulls Sakura up so fast she's thrown against Naruto's chest- just can't keep your hands off me eh?

Sakura: Naruto, you're so full of yourself.

Naruto: give me half an hour and you'll be full of me too.

Sakura: NARUTO! –shoves him away and walks off-

Kakashi: NOOOO! MY SHIP! WE'RE SINKING! Quick, we need to start getting the water out of my ship and start rowing towards shore. Now, Sasuke you start-

-Kakashi's interrupted by a loud resounding burp-

Sakura: excuse me.

Naruto: is that a challenge?

Sakura: what? No, I-

-Naruto let's out an even louder burp-

Naruto: beat that!

Sasuke: -let's out louder burp- you were saying?

Naruto: oh really? You're gonna get it now.

Kakashi: Don't you dare-

Naruto: special delivery for Sasuke –lets out huge disgustingly raunchy fart that blows so much wind into the sails that they make it to shore-

Kakashi: NARUTO!

Sasuke: -shocked- That was utterly disgusting you vile behemoth.

Naruto: -smiling sheepishly up at Sasuke- aw, I love it when you talk dirty to me.

Sasuke: -shocked- what?

Sakura: omg, Naruto. You saved us.

Kakashi and Naruto: what?

Sakura: look! We're on the beach. He got us to shore. We're saved!

Kakashi: -climbing out of the boat and looking around- omg she's right. Your stupidity saved us!

Naruto: oh yeah! Believe it!

Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi: -suddenly dressed like cheerleaders- 2, 4, 6, 8, WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? NARUTO! NARUTO! YAY NARUTO!

Naruto: -looking around- is Ashton Kutcher about to pop up and be like, "YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D"?

Sakura: -jumps and hugs Naruto- yay! Let's celebrate!

Kakashi: hmm I guess I don't see anything wrong with that. Ok then.

Sakura: -starts jumping while still hugging Naruto- yay! So Naruto…

-Everything Sakura started saying faded into the background by Naruto's own thoughts-

Naruto: -looking over Sakura's shoulder at Sasuke- _What's wrong Sasuke? Cat got your tongue? Or should I speak slower? Ass. Wow, I feel like Sasuke right now, having Sakura actually cheer me on. Minus the gay part. It's so awesome! Why would he ever give this up? Hmmm maybe he's a sadomasochist. After all, men can take more pain than women. But if he is than would that mean he's enjoying all of the pain I'm causing him? He doesn't look like it. He looks so sad. I just want to…touch him. Wait what? I sound like I'm some damn tourist at a zoo. But mommy, I want to pet the koalas! Damn I hope homoitis isn't contagious._

Sakura: -still talking- blah blah blah noodles-

Naruto: _blah blah blah_ NOODLES? Mmm Ramen.

Sakura: ramen it is. I'll go ahead to the noodle bar and order for us.

Naruto: ok Sakura baby –pats her on the butt-

Sakura: -giggle, wink. Jogs off towards noodle bar-

Kakashi: you two stay here while I go see what's up w/ my ship. –Walks off but instead hides behind some nearby bushes when they think he's gone-

Sasuke: -runs and jumps on Naruto- oh thank god! I thought we'd never get to be alone.

Naruto: Sasuke get off.

Sasuke: fine…-walks off sad-

Naruto: …Sasuke?

Sasuke: what do you want, mutt?

Naruto: do you remember that offer of yours?

Sasuke: what about it?

Naruto: …Can you tell me again cuz I sort of forgot it.

Sasuke: -glare. Turns around and starts to walk off-

Naruto: hey wait! I was just kidding.

Sasuke: why do you care anyways? What about Sakura?

Naruto: what about her? Am I missing something? Is she secretly a man? No wait. You're going to tell me she's a hermaphrodite, aren't you? Dammit I knew it!

Sasuke: are you trying to play us both like idiots?

Naruto: what?

Sasuke: why do you want to take me up on the offer?

Naruto: why are you trying to get me to weasel out of it?

Sasuke: I'm not trying to do anything.

Naruto: did you assume by offering yourself to me that I would automatically refuse?

Sasuke: what?

Naruto: -walking up behind Sasuke- you weren't counting on me actually being interested were you?

Sasuke: I…I…

Naruto: Shh. It's ok. I understand. –Turns to leave-

Sasuke: No, don't leave!

Naruto: -turns slightly in Sasuke's direction- oh? And why not?

Sasuke: um…uh…I HAVE BOOBY TRAPPED THIS WHOLE AREA WITH LAND MINES. IF YOU LEAVE, I WILL BLOW YOU UP! MWAHAHAHHA!

Naruto: ……o…k. You know, they have pills for people like you.

Sasuke: no they don't. I've checked.

Naruto: maybe you were looking for the wrong medication.

Sasuke: what do you mean?

Naruto: -walks up to Sasuke till he's barely an inch away and places a small bottle in Sasuke's hand- About that offer of yours? –Turns and starts to walk away-

Sasuke: -looks at the small bottle in his hand- what? Are you serious?

Naruto: if you really are interested, you better be prepared. See you at the noodle bar –walks off leaving Sasuke all alone-

Kakashi: -casually walks out of bushes- Ready to go? Hey, where'd Naruto go?

Sasuke: -surprised, he drops the small bottle- Master Kakashi! Uh…uh…Naruto left for the noodle bar already.

Kakashi: really? Well then, we better head on out before Naruto has time to eat our noodles as well as his own. Hey, what's that by your foot?

Sasuke: what? –looks down and sees the bottle- oh! It's nothing really, just my depression meds. –picks up bottle and tries to stuff it in his pocket-

Kakashi: depression meds? If I were you, I'd switch my prescription because those aren't working.

Sasuke: what?

Kakashi: -snatches bottle while Sasuke's distracted- I'll just have a look here.

Sasuke: -trying to get the bottle back- give it back!

Kakashi: VIAGRA! Are you serious? What are you doing with this? Aren't you supposed to be young and spry?

Sasuke: -looking at his feet embarrassed- can I please have my bottle back?

Kakashi: -hands the bottle back to Sasuke- I guess it's none of my business. Let's just go eat. I won't say anything about it.

Sasuke: ok. Thank you sensei.

-They walk off towards the noodle bar-

Kakashi: so, tell me. Why would you have a bottle of Viagra on you anyways?

Sasuke: Sensei,……have you ever wanted to be with…a…guy?

Kakashi: -annoyed- WHAT IS THIS? DO I LOOK GAY TO YOU PEOPLE?

Sasuke: no! No, it's not that. I was just wondering…

Kakashi: -calming down- ok then. Yes.

Sasuke: you have?

Kakashi: yes. For the longest time I had a thing for…Master Gai.

Sasuke: Master Gai!

Kakashi: yes.

Sasuke: the freak w/ the bowl haircut and the centipede eyebrows!

Kakashi: yes.

Sasuke: ARE YOU SERIOUS!

Kakashi: no.

Sasuke: -taken aback- what?

Kakashi: I lied. I thought it would make you feel better.

Sasuke: -slightly disappointed- oh.

Kakashi: it's ok Sasuke. I know you like Naruto.

Sasuke: what?

Kakashi: We all know you're hot for his demon seed.

Sasuke: -turning beet red from embarrassment- what? No, I-

Kakashi: liar liar, pants on fire. No seriously. Your pants are on fire –starts patting the fire out w/ his hand-

-Nearby people stop and stare disgusted at Kakashi as he pats out the fire on Sasuke's butt-

Kakashi: I'M NOT A PERVERT OR A PEDOPHILE! HELL, DO I LOOK LIKE A CATHOLIC PRIEST? HE WAS ON FIRE! I WAS TRYING TO SAVE HIM!

Person: sure he was.

Kakashi: I'm going to eat my noodles. Screw you all!

Person: -to Sasuke- watch your food. Make sure he doesn't put a roofie in it or something. I heard Michael Jackson's running around here somewhere.

-Sasuke leaves for the noodle bar. Finally arrives to see Sakura flirting w/ Naruto, Naruto staring at his noodles blankly, and Kakashi at the end of the bar pigging out on his noodles and ranting to the chef about people in the village thinking he's a pervert-

Sasuke: -sitting down a seat away from Naruto- _I feel as if I'm in the Twilight Zone. Sakura…flirting…with Naruto? I guess it could happen. I suppose Kakashi sensei is at times a normal person. But Naruto not eating his noodles? Now I've seen everything. That's unheard of! Then again, why should I care? He's the one who wants me to take Viagra. What the hell kind of crap is that?_ –notices Naruto watching him out of the corner of his eye- _Hehehe…baited…and snared. If he really thinks I'll need Viagra to keep up with him, then maybe I should put him to the test. You, sir, will finally be mine_

Naruto: -looking at Sasuke out of the corner of his eye- _I'm Henry the 8th I am, Henry 8th I am, I am. I married the widow next door. She was married, how many times?_ 7 TIMES BEFORE!

Sakura: -with her arms around Naruto's neck- what was that?

Sasuke: -looking at Naruto with one of those "He can't be serious" looks- _I seriously have to stop falling for idiots_

Sakura: -unwrapping an arm and picking up Naruto's chopsticks- Naruto, why aren't you eating? Here, I'll help you. –starts feeding Naruto the noodles-

Naruto: -in a state of pure bliss- mmm. _This is AWESOME! Finally, not only is Sakura noticing me, but she's feeding me noodles. Bait…and snared. Now if only we could get her into a cute little kitten costume…_mmm

Sakura: -still feeding Naruto- _Hmm, this isn't half bad. Now if only It was Kakashi. Just use your imagination and pretend Naruto actually is Kakashi. Or at least semi cute. Hell, it's worked so far._

-Down the bar where Kakashi's ranting to the chef-

Kakashi: -still ranting- Do I look gay to you?

Chef: do you really want me to answer that?

Kakashi: I mean, what the hell? This is ridiculous! I'M NOT GAY!

Chef: Papaya?

Kakashi: what?

Chef: Papaya? –offers Kakashi the fruit-

Kakashi: oh, no thanks. I've already got a couple of fruits with me as is –nods head in Naruto and Sasuke's direction-

Chef: really now? You don't say?

Kakashi: yep

Chef: I mean, we all knew Naruto would turn out that way eventually…but Sasuke?

Kakashi: yep. He's actually the one who turned Naruto only recently.

Chef: After all the smoke they've been blowing up peoples' asses about that Uchiha kid…Guess that clan really is dead now.

Kakashi: -shakes head back and forth- His poor ancestors must be rolling in their graves right now.

Chef: of course! I mean, the last surviving member of the clan is a homo! Who's he going to pass the bloodline down to?

Kakashi: He could always make an arrangement with one of the girls. Get her pregnant in order to save the bloodline.

Chef: really?

Kakashi: then again, there's still his older brother.

Chef: he's still alive?

Kakashi: yeah. There's still hope he could carry on the bloodline.

Chef: but he killed off the whole clan except the fairy over there. Do you really believe his ancestors are betting on him to carry on the clan?

-Somewhere in heaven all the Uchiha clan is gathered looking down at Sasuke-

Great, Great Grandmother: $50 and tonight's dinner says that Itachi will carry on the bloodline.

Great, Great Aunt: what? Are you serious?

Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandpa: well we can't be counting on the homo to save us, that's for sure!

Great, Great Cousin: He gets this from your side of the family I hope you know.

Mom: what? Are you saying it's my fault?

Great, Great Cousin: you damn right I am. Look at the fine mess your kid's gotten us all into now.

Mom: leave him alone! He's doing his best!

Great, Great Cousin: oh give it a rest!

-Back at the noodle bar-

Chef: why couldn't they have had a girl? We could always use a hot lesbian.

-Heaven-

Great, Great Cousin: Did you hear that?

Mom: yeah. –starting to get peeved-

Great, Great Cousin: they are so right! The Uchiha clan's good looks are going to waste on Sasuke. WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE HAD A GIRL!

Great, Great Aunt: oh cool it already. You're just jealous that this clan's so called "good looks" skipped your generation.

Great, Great Cousin: what! I AM NOT!

-Noodle bar-

Kakashi: just imagine boobs on Sasuke and you've got yourself a lesbian.

-Heaven-

Great, Great Cousin: hey, he's right!

-Noodle bar-

Chef: no –propping a couple sake bottles on the counter- you get a hermaphrodite.

-Heaven-

Great, Great Cousin: hey, he's right too!

Great, Great Aunt: oh shut up already!

-Noodle bar-

Kakashi: -taking swig from sake bottle- is that what they call them?

Chef: I think so.

Kakashi: -raising sake bottle- to minding one's own business!

Chef: here here! –knocks bottles and starts another conversation-

-back down the bar where Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke are-

Sakura: eat up sweetie. You need your strength. _Kakashi, you are such hot sex!_

Naruto: ok Sakura baby. Anything you say. _Damn this is awesome. Hmm, I wonder…_

-Daydream: instead of Sakura feeding him noodles he sees Sasuke, black fishnet shirt and tight, low rider, black leather pants w/ chains, spikes, boots and piercings, feeding him noodles-

Naruto: _hmm…interesting_

-Daydream: instead of Sasuke, pictures Sakura feeding him noodles only now she's wearing a tight lacy black corset, lacy black panties and fishnet stockings-

Naruto: _Who needs ADD pills? Not me, that's for sure. I could get used to this._

-Slurping sounds are heard of Sasuke eating his noodles-

Sakura: wow, this is a long noodle

Naruto: -automatically thinks of "metal head" Sasuke- I love sucking on long…noodles.

Sasuke: -not looking at Naruto- I'm sure you're a big fan of the fish flavored noodles.

Naruto: -looking Sasuke in the eyes lustily- I'll suck on anything that's long.

Sasuke: -staring wide eyed at Naruto, chokes on a noodle-

Naruto: -gets up and goes behind Sasuke- Do you need the Heimlich? –wraps arms around Sasuke's waist-

Sasuke: -feeling Naruto's hands around him he blushes slightly- uh…thanks. I'm fine now.

Naruto: -not moving his arms away- are you sure?

Sasuke: -still blushing and looking down- yes. I'm sure.

Naruto: -whispering in his ear- for you. –tucks a piece of paper in the waist of Sasuke's pants and walks back over to Sakura- He's fine. C'mon Sakura, baby! Let's check out the town.

Sakura: Ok!

-With his arm about her shoulders, Naruto and Sakura walk off. Naruto glances back at Sasuke and winks before heading off. Kakashi and the chef are still having a drunken debate, only now Kakashi's half naked on top of the bar-

Kakashi: What the hell are you talking about? Hugo can't die. They're killing off a woman this season.

Chef: think about it: Hugo's practically a hermaphrodite.

Kakashi: what?

Chef: I mean he's already got the boobs. And that hair? If I were him I probably would've chopped it off a while ago.

Kakashi: -settling back into his seat- naw man. Hugo's not a hermaphrodite.

Chef: yeah he is!

-Back at Sasuke's end of the bar. Someone's already cleaning up the bowls-

Attendant: Don't worry about your sensei, kid. We'll keep an eye on him. Why don't you head on out w/ the rest of your group? –walks off-

Sasuke: -pulls out note and reads it- "Tonight at the bridge."


End file.
